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I’ve been putting off writing this post, as sharing the hard stuff isn’t something that comes easily to me, so I feel very vulnerable right now in sharing how life has been over the last few months. But sharing can be cathartic, and sharing means people know where we’re at, and that helps.

This year has been really tough for us. For those of you who don’t know, Dave was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue in April of last year. We’d been struggling with his health for a few years, and as time went on, he was generally becoming more and more unwell. Just before we headed overseas at the beginning of June 2018, Dave worked incredibly long hours on a mammoth animation project, then went straight into TypeParis (which is a very busy & fast paced 5 week program), and his health has been on a steady decline ever since.

Dave being unwell was one of the reasons for deciding to come back home early from our trip, just before Christmas last year (we were meant to stay overseas until March 2019), and we thought & hoped that a good month of rest would reset the clock and get us back to a healthier version of Dave.

The last six — and in particular, these last two — months have been incredibly difficult for us. Dave has rapidly declined in his health, to the point where he is now bedridden about 80-90% of the time. He can only work a few hours a week, and is constantly sick with different bugs and illnesses. It has been so hard to watch Dave struggle to do things as simple as sit up in bed, or put on clothes. It has been so hard to see him struggle to hold a conversation, or for him to not be able to play with the kids. Every little thing he does is tiring to him, and diminishes his capacity for his day. As soon as he goes over his energy limits, he borrows from tomorrow’s reserve, which then becomes a vicious cycle.

In addition to that, Felix has Failure to Thrive and a bunch of digestive issues, so we’ve been spending the last few months trying to investigate why he’s not growing as much as the doctor’s would like. He is happy and (for the most part) healthy, however it’s felt like every week I’ve been taking him to the doctor’s for a different reason, taking him to have blood taken for different tests and it just adds to the overwhelm of life at the moment.

It’s been an interesting journey for myself to try and be full-time carer for the kids, look after Dave, do all the upkeep on our house (thank you so much to Grant who came and mowed our lawns last week, such a huge blessing), and also start to take over being the bread winner so we can pay the bills, and live in this house we really love.

I just want to say to everyone who has liked or shared a post from my photography business, recommended me to someone, or even booked in a session, thank you. It means so much to us, as it’s not just me having a fun creative outlet, but me trying to provide for this little family of ours, and every bit of support helps achieve that. I’m so thankful that I’ve been getting work so far, and have been able to relieve some of the stress and pressure off Dave just a little.

Anyway, I just wanted to share with everyone so people could know where we are at at the moment, and could be praying for us while we try and get Dave better. And hopefully by sharing this with everyone, I won’t be as likely (or maybe I’ll be more likely? haha) to burst into tears when you ask me how we are.

Super thankful for this life, and I know that this season is teaching us all so much. To be honest, it really sucks at the moment, but I’m trying hard to find the beauty in each day, to know that having a big old cry is OK, and that asking for help and telling people that you’re not coping is OK too.

I thought I’d leave you with the lyrics from a song Hillsong United’s latest album, People. The song is As You Find Me, and it has so eloquently described how life has felt of late to me. What a beautiful reminder, that God is still here with us, even in the midst of the tough times.

I’ve been strong
And I’ve been broken within a moment
I’ve been faithful
And I’ve been reckless at every bend
I’ve held everything together
And watched it shatter
I’ve stood tall and I have crumbled
In the same breath

I have wrestled
And I have trembled toward surrender
Chased my heart adrift
And drifted home again
Plundered blessing
Till I’ve been desperate to find redemption
And every time I turn around
Lord You’re still there

I was found
Before I was lost
I was Yours
Before I was not
Grace to spare
For all my mistakes
And that part just wrecks me

And I know I don’t deserve this kind of love
Somehow this kind of love is who You are
It’s a grace I could never add up
To be somebody You still want
But somehow
You love me as You find me